The True Me

I am thoroughly enjoying my biatching blog. It feels like very good therapy and I think I've cut down on whining, complaining and biatching at home. I try to see the good in everyone and every situation, everyone deserves a chance. How many chances depends on the situation. I'm a believer in signs and, sometimes, I've been slapped in the face by signs to make sure I'm paying attention. There's usually a lesson to be learned. For most things, sometimes things happen for no reason. Those are usually the tough ones and you just eventually have to accept them or you won't be able to move forward.

I truly am a 'the glass is 1/2 full' kind of gal, but I'm allowing the negative thoughts out here. I'm irritated by people meddling in my family mojo. I constantly worry about those I love. I'm sure everyone does....don't they? I worried when each brother at one time or another lived away from 'home' (out of state), I've worried about grandparents, nieces, nephews and in-laws. I worried when I was pregnant and I worry now. Thank goodness I remember the serenity prayer, cause it has helped me out in a lot of situations, when I don't understand what is happening or why things have happened and they are typically things out of my control. I think fear of the unknown is the cause of my worry....I'm not sure that can ever be resolved.

Being the youngest and only girl has had its advantages and I think my world was quite rosy growing up. (Kudos to you Mom and Dad!!!) My brothers believe I was the spoiled child, but I think we are all spoiled in our way. O'kay, maybe the oldest got a little jipped growing up?!.......But hey, what can I do about it now?!?! Although I may have been 'the spoiled one', I've went through heartaches of my own. No matter how hard a child can be sheltered, they're going to face reality every now and then. I know I will have hard things to face in the future.

Where I am optimistic, husband is typically pessimistic. That 'opposites attract' thing is definitely our marriage. Sometimes I swear he need to be put on 'happy' pills. The kids make him and me smile a lot, so that's a huge change that I've seen in him. I know that children can't MAKE you happy, but if you're able to let them in, they surely can make you smile and forget about life for a while! = )

I am hopeful that those I know whom are sick or going through testings will get well or will find out how to fight what's wrong, if anything....... I'm optimistic.

I read a wonderful blog today about a little baby named Gavin. We've been praying for him every night. He's going home today, after two months of being in the hospital, he fought off botulism and RSV. I'm so happy for him and his Mommy and Daddy.....I can't help but smile......today's a great day....it's even sunny out there! Have a good one!

Honey Do List

Husband and I are quite opposite and that is even down to our very own house 'to do' lists. Mine includes things such as cook, clean, bath the kids, wash dog, get dog's nails done (neither of us can clip them again.....the dog no longer trusts us!), etc. Husband's list includes cleaning the garage, the basement utility room, outrageous yard chores (typically things that we didn't need to get done......) etc. But I guess that's why we're married, right?

Every once in a while I apparently feel the need to destroy something or an appliance. Now, of course this is NOT ON PURPOSE. Off the top of my head, I have broken the garage door, the washing machine, the screen door to the sliding glass door and today, I melted tin foil to the bottom of the oven during a 'clean' cycle. Luckily this screw up only costs $43.00 and some odd change. Normally, I call myself out on these 'mishaps', brain melts, some would say general stupidity, and today was no different, Apparently I caught husband in the middle of an art class or something (he was fixing some pipe) and I briefly told him what I'd done. He had no chance to yell as he was in a class with teachers and students! Hee Hee! So, by the next time he had called, I found the solution, and luckily we can replace the bottom of the oven. I'm guessing it happens a lot.......I'm still an idiot!

So now I'm realizing that I'm actually COSTING us being at home!!!!!!!

Good Morning!

My son slept the longest he's ever slept last night, 11.5 hours. Now, you're probably thinking GREAT! Now certainly That Should Make Her Happy?!?! Yep, sure, but what you didn't know was that he only slept 40 minutes the whole day........ugghhhh! I am grateful that he did sleep though! Honestly! That does not keep me from lying awake in my bed making sure all is well, listening for a rustle of the bed, a sigh, a wince, etc. I can't help it! I really want to know who I became this obsessive compulsive worrier?!?! I know that worrying is wasted brain power?!? But yet, I can't help myself. I actually couldn't take it any more at 5:30 am and went and woke him up, he was still asleep, not soundly, but asleep. He's not a cuddler like his sister was, that's not all true. She like to be held all the time. She still asks to 'holded me Momma'.

Her awakening this morning was not as sweet as her brother's. Today she was crying first that her toe hurt, then her knee (that's been a thing lately.... I'm thinking growing pains, or the need of attention). As soon as I stepped out of the shower, I heard her crying outside the door. Baby boy was already with me in 'lock down'.....making plenty of noise to wake his sister, which she does not appreciate. So I hurry to get dressed. Next, while she was piddling (yeah for her dry diaper!), it was the whine for watching a show. Too much television, in my opinion, is not a good thing. So she's been drastically cut down from what she was watching (at least what I've conjured up in my own head) at daycare to now being home with me and Nana.......So she goes through 'withdrawl pains'......really whiney cries....which irritate me to no end. That's part of the fun at home.

I do have to say, there have been several times I've been at home and have said to myself, "this is right, this is good, I should be here". Usually it's when the kids are playing so nicely or when they take wonderfully long naps. What a wonderful affirmation it is to feel that!

Modern Medicine

So, what exactly IS Infiltrate? On an ex-ray it's a foreign body. Not so good news. An unbearably close family member has this in their lungs. Of course, right now, they know nothing but just that, that there is infiltrate. Just an x-ray has been done and no, it's not pneumonia. So the course of detective work by testings begins. So, after the x-ray is a Cat Scan and a stress test. When you look up this kind of stuff on the internet, it is not assuring. So you worry. When I worry, it's all the time about everything.

It's not bad enough that I have one relative fighting the big C with chemotherapy and radiation, now I've got another who has something......but even if it's not something detrimental, my brain says keep worrying! I stink at this. I'm impatient and will follow their detective work like you wouldn't believe.

So, with all this swarming in my head, like a ray of light, I remembered, "God Grant Me the Serenity to Accept the Things I cannot Change, Courage to Change the Thing I Can, and the Wisdom to Know the Difference." This little prayer has helped me in the past, and I feel the need to really lean on this again......

I think I tend to dream about tornadoes when I'm stressed. Last night was one of those dreams. I was back in my old house, where I grew up. I was there, Jacob was there, Duane and my Dad were there.......I always 'see' the tornado in the distance and have enough time to 'yell' to everyone to get down stairs. I am the last one down. Sometimes the tornado hits, other times I wake up before it happens, other times it doesn't hit. Last night it didn't hit, but came close.......Obvious this dream is trying to tell me something, I can't control a tornado and I can't control someone else's illness, I just have to pray for strength for friends and family and leave it in God's hands.

Wish this were a happier day.......

Happy Frickin' Valentine's Day

I weigh 0.4 pounds MORE than last week same time......restructuring as I write. Of course the two eggs and toast that Nana made this morning (thank you) with REAL BUTTER did not help my downward spiraling self esteem........I did put a huge brownie on my boss' desk..... ; )

Today, husband will spend a ton of money on flowers. I'd prefer a lovely dinner out.....see, there I go again! Always thinking of FOOD!

So I begin again. Now I'm heading back to the point system with Weight Watchers.....

The Beast

The beast used to be our cat. I never met a more snotty little thing than him. He wasn't even a friendly kitten. He'd claw and attack your feet. Oddly, though, he was entertaining. He would fetch paper balls when he was younger and also put out candles. Not so much when he got older. I still cried when we had to put him down 14 years later. He was mostly evil at that point.....but that's another story.

The new pet moving into the 'beast' category is our dog. We have taken her to 5 or 6, eight week training classes. Of course when I say we, I mean me. Empty promises from husband.....We have replaced our dinette table, vertical blinds, a vinyl floor with a ceramic floor and a door handle. We have items that still need to be replaced, including the family room carpet and a few items that need to be repaired (laundry closet door and a patched area in the family room wall). My house sounds like a war zone!? The dog has been relatively unappreciated lately and this past Friday, she reminded us that she's a part of the family too. I had been tired of her sleeping on our bed (husband allowed her to sleep with him about 3 years ago when there was a terrible thunder storm outside and he let her onto the bed - I had warned him not too, but they don't really listen do they? I remember saying "she's gonna want to sleep there all the time now!?!? - of course I was in the other room 'cause as you know, my daughter's sleeping place (her bed) was my arms first 9 months) . So, we were keeping the door to the master bedroom closed while we were at work. Well, husband came home to the carpet ripped open where the master bedroom carpet meets the hallway carpet. Any other time I would've thought GREAT! This is how I get new carpet. But now, we're on this budget so we get to 'make do'. He totally made it look all ghetto. He cut off the excess then he stapled down the frayed edges and then, here's the ghetto part,......he put DUCT TAPE on the seam......I saw where he was going, but man it looks so bad! ACK!

Fix things when they happen or it'll be FOREVER before they are fixed!!

Wager for a Pound

My son will be one in six weeks. I am still 15 pounds (okay, 18 pounds) more than I was before I had my daughter. I'm using Lent and a wager with my boss as an incentive to lose. Carbs are my problem, also, lack of sleep as I tend to medicate myself with carbs, a beer here and there and sugar.....I get so tired that I tell myself that I DESERVE whatever I crave. I know I'm not alone, but I'm trying to tackle this in a new way.

A wager, with my boss?!?! We are not telling each other our weight, so we are going on an honor system. Since, he's a HE, the loss will be based on % rather than pounds. I tell you this as I am looking at a final roll left on my desk..focus, FOCUS........so, my goal is to lose 12%, of course, my husband will tell me that I can't just lose the weight, I've got to get toned too..(he's so sweet, isn't he? The support is underwhelming.)....So, little by little this week, I've been taking baby steps. Relatively healthy dinners and not crazy lunch choices. Although the AMOUNT that I eat at lunch is a hindering factor....... Last night my want list (after dinner, before bed) included ice cream, pretzels, salsa and chips, and a Dora snack. Any (All) of those would've gotten me through my hunger, but my guilt would've been taking too many steps backwards! My resolution was to banish myself from the kitchen and family room and go to bed. My tiny little haven, before husband breaks the silence with his snoring that could wake the dead, but mostly the two children across the hall. So I guess denying myself life's little pleasures is what works best.

My motivation is certainly lacking, as I look outside at about 12" of relatively new snow. I can't afford a gym, I can't use the jogging stroller and I'm dead tired by the time I put the kids to bed. Note to self, any physical exertion needs to be completed by 4:00 pm, or just forget it...... I'm hoping this can be worked into my part -time schedule routine. Either that, or I win the lotto, but EVERYBODY wants to win that......I'd like to deal with some of the money problems that people have after winning the lotto. I've already got it planned out. Pay off house, put $ in kids college account, pay off car, buy husband new truck. That's it. I'd be an at home Mom, but as to not lose contact with the real world, I'd like to think I'd volunteer at the local hospital or senior center or something to 'keep it real'.

Right now, I'm the only one with me, so come on girl, get MOVING!

Work

I will soon join the world of part-time work. Although I'm counting down the days, I'm scared to death of the dreaded budget. We weren't very good at it when we were younger, but I'm hoping I've learned a few things. I won't be able to do lunch dates and I'll go a little crazy in the house, but I'll have work two days a week, outside the home. I think that's a good mix because there are Moms who stepped into the stay-at-home world and have seemed to have a contorted view on life. I mean, I'm very happy for them to be able to stay at home with the kids, but they somehow lose themselves. That's the one thing I don't want to do, lose myself. I'm quite sure they don't know it's happening or has happened, but from the outside, I want to slap 'em up side the head. I understand you're supposed to be involved in your children's lives and help rear them, but some Moms now live through their children.......and THAT is the scary part. These are the Moms that are so involved in their kids lives that they joint PTA and that becomes their sole mission, to never EVER leave their child's side. Which, in my opinion, tends to smother the kids, and is really some twisted form of stalker voyeurism. Be involved, but try not to distance your child with your inability to have a life in the real world.

Whoah! My biatch started about part-time work and here I am bashing stay at home moms! Please, I do understand there are a lot of Moms who are perfectly normal and don't go crazy. I hope recognizing it means I never become one.